You Are Your Harshest Critic (& Your Own Worst Enemy)
What else is new?
You are your harshest critic.
And get this…
You are your own worst enemy.
What else is new?
When I’m thinking of my writing, personal accomplishments, and business acumen, I look down on myself.
I’m not the best.
I could do better.
I have regrets.
But does this motivate me to do better? Research says no.
In fact, according to a 2016 study, those on the internet (!!!) that expressed more self-compassion towards their regrets and mistakes made more self-improvement than those that were harsher on themselves.
“Research shows that the #1 barrier to self-compassion is fear of being complacent and losing your edge. And all the research shows that’s not true. It’s just the opposite,” Dr. Kristin Neff, a professor of psychology at UT-Austin told the New York Times.
So…what is self-compassion?
What Dr. Neff has discovered is that most of us are kinder to others than we are to ourselves. And we don’t usually realize it.
Instead, self-compassion involves 3 parts:
We are kind and understanding to ourselves even when we fail
Suffering and inadequacy are not individual experiences, but part of humanity
Balance pain with mindfulness instead of over-identification. In other words, our feelings aren’t suppressed or exaggerated — they’re balanced with the right perspective.
I think about this in regard to my writing. Others seem to get success faster by talent, skill, connections, luck, or all of the above.
There will be disappointments, but we can control what we can control.
Give Grace To Your Writing Self
I’m working hard on this part. This past week has been bananas.
I’m moving in 10 days
2 of our cars broke down within a week of each other
One was stuck 10 hours away
I’m trying to navigate parts and repairs
But then the good news (Praise God!)
Everyone was safe
Parts came in faster than we expected for 1 car
I decided to sell the other one (long distance!)
I am thankful for all of those things. But it has made keeping to a regular writing schedule more difficult.
But balancing productivity with grace for myself in my current circumstances is a tough line to walk. My “productive” hours are spent more on my actual real job than any fun writing.
Still, no one can be tougher on me than I am to me.
More (Books) To Read:
These are other books I’m (still) reading:
The Best Minds by Jonathan Rosen
(audiobook, on ch 12)
Orphaned Believers by Sara Billups
(from the library, paperback. probably won’t finish it, but interesting memoir especially about the influence of 70s era end-times theology on modern christianity )
New York, New York, New York by Thomas Dyja
(audiobook, 1/4 of the way through? not much progress on this in the past week)
Trust by Hernan Diaz
(paperback, really great)
Other Things:
I’ve been re-watching Seinfeld. Not sure I’ve seen every episode. This one “The Limo” really stuck out to me because there’s *NO* way it would ever be made today.
Great podcast between Ethan Strauss and Freddie DeBoer, especially the part about the creator economy. I’ll come back to that idea.
Goodreads bad. At The Atlantic.
Don’t eat Oreos when you’re bored. At Medium.
Last Things
When you look fear in the face, you are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' - Eleanor Roosevelt
Keep going,
-Josh Spilker
I feel that way often with Seinfeld, which I turn to now and then for cosmic comic relief.